Etiquette? Say What?!

As I approach the golden age of 30, there are lots of changes I’m noticing amongst myself, and all of my friends as I reach the age where “families” slowly become the focus of each others lives. And, if there’s one thing that chaps my ass more than anything as I get older, it’s the fact that people seem to have lost all sense of etiquette and courtesy when it comes to asking personal questions and sharing personal information.

Does it have something to do with the culture we live in? Have we all become so numb with “reality” entertainment that we can’t even separate private from public information anymore? Do we have to know or share everything with people?

There are tons of examples out there for both topics, but two of them stand out more so, especially as 30 approaches…and both have to do with children.

One of the common examples I’ve witnessed of people looking for more information than they deserve to know deals with the topic of having children. I’ve had this question asked of me several times, but more often, I’ve watched friends and strangers get asked why they haven’t had or when will they have children.

What’s so bad about a question? Well, if it’s about how many goals Brendan Shanahan is going to score or about what you may think of Michael Jackson, knock yourself out. But when it comes to asking someone a question as personal as this, it’s best if you just shut up.

The fact that people seem to think this topic is any of their business is dumbfounding to me. And yes, there are times that the recipient of the question is willing to talk about subjects like this. Fine. Let that person bring it up. 90% of the time, I’ve seen the look on peoples faces as they try to get out of the conversation and frankly, it’s frightening. Bottom line, something as personal as this isn’t anyone’s business unless the person chooses to make it public. You wouldn’t walk up to someone and say, “Hey Bob, that herpes thing you had in college flaring up again now that you’re with Tina," when Tina is standing right in front of you, would you?

The second and by far most annoying/disturbing thing that I’ve seen over the last two years is the growing number of “Personal Declaration” emails.

What are these, you ask? Well, I deem a Personal Declaration email as one that includes more than five names in the "To:" box. Also, the email is as one-sided as a debate on Fox News. They are often written as follows:

“I, I, and me. Oh yeah, and myself, and my baby. Well we, I and me, not you, but me, and still…I’m talking about me…but more so…my baby. And my baby, and not your baby. Where is your baby? I, I, and me. Sincerely, me.”

It’s understandable that people don’t want to lose touch with friends and they want to keep others informed, but to do this in such a non-personal way is demeaning to the reader, and more importantly, to the sender.

Now, should emails like this be outlawed? Not necessarily. But, there should be some rules in place. After research and experience in dealing with emails such as this, I've been able to come up with a simple set of rules for these types of emails. If they are followed, your friends will think much higher of you (even though they won't tell you to your face). Here they are:

Rule #1 – Limit emails like this to no more than one every three months. Letting people know you haven't forgotten about them is great. But, if you feel like you need to talk about yourself more than once a quarter, then maybe you need more friends, or, you just need to pick up the phone more often. Which brings us to ...

Rule #2 - Remember to ask about how other people are doing. A simple act of sincerity and concern for others can go a long way.

Rule #3 – If 1-3 sentences of narrative are included, there’s a 4-photo limit. If more than one paragraph of narrative is included, there’s a 2 photo limit. Evereyone likes pictures...to a certain number. Yes, we know that junior is getting bigger. I don’t need a scrapbook showing me so. A quarterly reminder? Sure. That’s great…and appreciated.

Rule #4 – Keep the email to fewer than three paragraphs. Like an advertisement, keep the message short and sweet. Don’t go on and on and on about yourself and/or your baby. It’s a baby. They do baby-type things.

What’s that? Your kid took a dump in the diaper? Guess what…he’s four months old. That’s what happens. Kid starting to grow a tooth? Shocker. He’s getting older. Junior starting to get into everything...and he’s going on two years old? Wow, you have just blown my mind away with that information.

Which brings us to the last and most important rule of Personal Declarations.

Rule #5 – Do not divulge too much information! This rule can NOT be understated enough. If you are extremely close to any of the people you are sending this email too, then this should not be an issue in the first place because they will already know this information most likely. If not, why go into too much detail with people you are casual friends with anyway?

Do you want to let people know how much you miss them and appreciate their support? Sure. Great. Appreciation and sincerity are terrific virtues. Do you want to tell people how thrilled you were with the gifts you received at your recent baby shower? Sure. Are 25 people interested in knowing that the breast-pump the Anderson’s bought you ‘doesn’t leave rings around my nipples’ and 'produces incredible volume'? Probably not.